A little over a decade ago, I woke in the middle of the night to a knock that changed everything. The police were at my door. I had committed an act years prior that was admittedly against the law, and they were finally there to punish me.
After posting bond, I felt cornered by two choices: live through it or bounce on out. I told myself I could take the “easy” way out, end the shame, end the fear, and just be done. To be honest, I tried. Having used IV needles professionally for years, I knew exactly what to do. I planned to inject a large bolus of air into my vein. I ripped open the package and pulled at the cap. It wouldn’t budge. I pulled again. And again. After hundreds of successful IV starts in my career, I had never once encountered a cap that wouldn’t come off.
As I fumbled with that “anti-suicide” cap, my phone buzzed. It was my friend and pastor. He told me he felt “led” to call me at that exact moment. God had put me on his heart, and thankfully, he listened, because I realized then that I had a second needle in the drawer. That phone call was my turning point. I decided then to be a man, to stand up, and to take my lashings.
At the time, fear, shame, and self-hatred were my only constants. I couldn’t imagine a version of myself without them. But I put one foot in the front of the other. I navigated the legal process, completed my probation a year early, and began a journey I never thought possible.
I decided to build a life I could actually be proud of. I started a business. I got married and became a dad to an amazing child. I surrounded myself with a “chosen family,” a group of friends who became the base of my new life.
I previously had never imagined myself living past thirty. I assumed I’d end my own life or someone else would do it for me. I wasn’t a good person; I created enemies everywhere I went. But hitting rock bottom with a resounding thud, hearing the clanking of chains in a jail hallway, reminded me that when you’re at the bottom, the only way left to go is up.
It has been ten years, and I am finally starting to rid myself of that shame. I am choosing who I want to be. I am rewriting my record while writing my future. I never want to hear the sound of those chains again, but I’m grateful they woke me up. I’m not just surviving a past mistake; I’m living a life of my own choosing.
Recently, the past and present collided. My best friend, my sister by choice, was arrested on serious allegations. While I believe in my heart of hearts that these charges are false, I also know that the legal system will seek truth, and the truth will prevail. No matter what, I am standing by her because I know what she is about to go through. I am actually excited to see the growth and the resilience she will find in this fire, because I will say it now and I will say it forever: Getting arrested saved my life.