Text Conversation…all Bullshit.
Business Partner: “Happy New Year. Wishing you health, wealth, and momentum in 2026. What’s one action you’re taking to upgrade 2026 from 2025, or your biggest takeaway from last year?”
Me: “Thanks! You too! 26 we are going to kill it. Upgrading record keeping ie. budget, receipts, gratitude, health tracking.
Removing people that don’t meet or exceed my goals. Or at least distancing myself, surrounding myself with people I want to be like.
Take away. I am capable. My past doesn’t define me, I am capable of success. More than that, I am deserving. I don’t need to punish myself anymore.”
Problem? I don’t believe a word I typed. I messed up, technically committed a crime, over 10 years ago. Was punished for a year and am still somewhat punished by the action and sentence. However, I am a fully free man. Yet I live in a cage. A jail of my own making. I am eating chow three times a day, I am clenching my ass when I shower, and I am making recorded calls. Not literally, actually I was only in jail for two days while waiting for my bail, but, in my head, in my soul, in my spirit I might as well be in Solitary Confinement. Looking at it though that actually seems nice… three hots and a cot and no money out of pocket? Sign me up! Then I look over at my wife and daughter, and realize that my bed with my wife is way more comfy than sharing a cot with the inevitable “bubba”, having a pretty face is my downfall. So, nevermind. Talking about being stuck in a cage of my own making.
The law saw it fit to give me probation for three years, the probation officer saw it fit to only make me stay 13 months. So, I got “off” easy. Except that I didn’t. “I am my own worst enemy”, “no one will criticize you harder than yourself”. These cliches sound like bullshit, but they aren’t. In my life, in my jacked-up brain, truer words have never been uttered. A judge said I had done something bad, sentenced me to time under supervision, and let me live my life. No restrictions, other than no alcohol, and nothing else. Just live. Keep my head down. Stay out of trouble and good luck with my life. I have blocked that day out, but when I was released from supervision early, they tell me the judge said that I was, and had been, a model citizen and good luck on my businesses and life. That was promising. He didn’t realize that he was transferring the sentencing power from himself to an even worse judge. Me. This is the sentence I have handed down from my gold gilded solid mahogany bench, (my courtroom is bougie in my head). Lifetime sentence. Inability to be truly happy. Inability to see through the cloud of my past. Inability to live. Inability to heal. Inability to succeed as that would cause me to be selfish and not others focused. Required apology at every inappropriate moment. Required apology for taking up space in my family’s lives. Honestly, to make it easy, I sentence myself to living Hell on Earth.
Taking responsibility for one’s own actions is the most important thing a human can do. You accidentally hurt someone, apologize. You intentionally hurt someone (first ask if the deserved it), no! Apologize! (Even if they did deserve getting hit by your car and backed over for good measure.)
A lot of rambling that most likely no one will ever see, but to be honest, that’s ok. It is cathartic and helping me heal. Thank you for reading, if you have seen this and read this far, go you!
Type to you on the next one!